The stories are legendary, families fighting and never speaking again or siblings resenting siblings after their parents have died and they think their portion of the inheritance is “not fair” or “equal”.
Several clients have asked us: How do we avoid resentment over our will and how to talk to our children about it?
We have found the best way to avoid hurtful events is through communication. But then it’s not always clear what to say, how much to disclose and when to have the discussion. We’ve found the best way is to tell your children that you have made a will and not to disclose any details, especially not about your wealth, as that might set expectations.
Then before you have this serious conversation, write things down so you can cover what you want and set the right tone. Write a letter to go with your will so that your beneficiaries understand your money values, how you accumulated your assets, the reasons behind your decisions, and the values you hope your family will uphold. If you have a trust, it can be invaluable to your trustees as a guide.
There is no set format for the letter and the contents should ultimately be determined by you and your loved ones’ circumstances. You can express your sentiments and hopes for your heirs.
Here are some suggestions that might help form your letter and discussion:
- What is the value of money to you and how did you accumulate your money?
- What have you learned in your life about money and what are your most important values?
- Who was the greatest influence on you as you developed these values?
- What experiences or events helped you find these values?
- Which important values do your children or grandchildren already possess?
- What messages about money did you hear or observe growing up?
- What are the intangibles that make your life rich?
- What do you hope this wealth will help your family accomplish? Why?
- What are your greatest fears about the impact of wealth on your children or grandchildren?
Your letter can offer guidance to your heirs, perhaps you’d like to emphasize education with a purpose to help beneficiaries prepare for meaningful careers. Your trustees will be informed as to what you want and don’t want to support. For example, while education is a priority, you may not wish to support lifelong students pursuing degree after degree without a clear purpose or goal in mind.
It is especially important to explain decisions you’ve made that may be considered controversial; for example, if you leave assets in unequal shares or omitted someone from the will.
Details about your underage children’s future, such as who they should live with and why you appointed the guardians in your will and any wishes in relation to their religious upbringing or education. You can also specify who you wish to get personal items such as jewelry, furniture, or other personal items not specified in your will.
Remember your letter can’t be used to amend or replace what’s in your will or trust. Letters that conflict with the terms could generate confusion. And while the language in a letter may be changed as your life and views evolve, the wording should continue to align with the will or trust, or if your visions change you have to change the will/trust also. Though a letter is not a legal document, you can have your attorneys and advisors review them for consistency and to avoid pitfalls. Discussing the reasons for your decisions and leaving a letter for your loved ones can help avoid hurt and jealousy and leave a clear picture of what you wish for them.
We recommend also to create another letter about things not covered in your will:
Guidance on whether you’d like to be buried or cremated, plus any relevant detail about the funeral service you’d like and where to find the deed for any family graves.
